AGENCY DIRECTIVE
UNCLASSIFIED / PUBLIC BROADCASTMISSION STATEMENT
The Bureau monitors citizen biological timelines to enforce safety regulations regarding aging millennials. Our primary directive is to ease the shock of inevitable physical and social decline through the Seniority Onboarding Initiative.
KNOWN DEGRADATION PATTERNS
Citizens approaching Expiration Date 40.0 typically exhibit the following symptoms. If you experience these, report to a mitigation officer:
- Unexplained skeletal anomalies (i.e. knee clicking).
- Complete inability to digest dairy after 6:00 PM.
- A sudden, intense, and unironic interest in bird watching or lawn care.
LIABILITY NOTICE
Preventative maintenance on skeletal systems must begin immediately. The Bureau cannot be held liable for any fractures sustained while attempting to dance to music that was popular in 2004.
CASE FILE ACCESS
Authorized Personnel & Subjects Only